The spoof XMen 3 film
by Boydus
Summary: Combining the rumours and opinions randomly heard via magazines, Internet & friends here is a spoof look at what the X Men 3 film could be like. I don't own XMen or other mentioend things, simialrities are coincidental. Please don't be offended.
1. Chapter 1

The X-Mansion is all is quiet. It is night and everyone is asleep. (for simplicity's sake and to explain a lot of potential plot holes, most of the kids are back home for some random holiday, lets say summer, leaving only a few runaways and random characters with cool powers that the producers wanted to use left). Suddenly… the alarm sounded. Storm and Professor X were in some random room.

'Oh no! The alarm.' Storm said.

' There must be an intruder.'

'Well, you're psychic, you should know.'

They went downstairs to the War room to investigate the monitors. On their way they are overtaken by a semi-naked Wolverine running, claws out, screaming.

Storm shrugged, 'Well, Wolverine's up.'

Cyclops joined them in the war room, 'I heard the alarm.'

Nightcrawler also suddenly appeared out of thin air, 'Half of New York heard the alarm.

Professor X looked annoyed; 'Hey! You're not in this film.'

'Why not?' Nightcrawler replied, 'I am clearest the coolest of the X-Men here.'

'Excuse me?' Cyclops queried.

'Sorry mate,' Nightcrawler laughed, 'but you're just a wimpy wimp now.'

'Point taken.' Cyclops admitted.

'Be that as it may, you're still not in this film.' Professor X continued.

'So how is my disappearance explained?'

Storm offered an explanation, 'You're a teleporter. You disappear all the time without explanation. That's what you do!'

This annoyed Nightcrawler, ‚Schiße! Das ist nicht gut! Ich möchte mit meinem Agent sprechen! Ich bin hier am besten. Das ist alles! Ich bin gegangen!' And with that he disappears in a cloud of smoke. Storm looked confused.

'What was that all about?'

Cyclops shrugged, 'Don't look at me. I've been rendered obsolete.'

Wolverine ran past the door, still screaming, still with claws out; he then runs past again in the opposite direction. Professor X sighs.

'Wolverine! We're in here.'

Wolverine enters boldly. 'I heard something.'

'It was the alarm.' The Professor explained.

'Half of New York heard…' Cyclops mumbled, no-one paying him much attention. From nowhere, a slight German voice can be heard, Nightcrawler.

'Just because I'm not here, doesn't mean he can nick all my lines!'

'There's an intruder.' Professor X explained.

Cyclops got excited, 'Maybe it's Jean! She's returned!'

Professor X sighed again, 'Scott. Jean is dead.'

'How do you know? We found no body.'

'She got hit by a million tonnes of freezing water.'

'So?'

'Physics was never your strong point, was it? Anyway, I can't sense her anywhere. And I can't find her using Cerebro.'

'Yeah ,well, in the TV series you couldn't sense Morph either when he was alive. I think Cerebro needs servicing.' Wolverine chuckled.

'Well, in the TV series you're 5"3.'

'You're point being?'

'No point. Just thought I'd mention it.' He smiles to himself.

Storm couldn't believe that they were having an argument while the alarm was still sounding. 'I hate to bring this up, but the Intruder?'

'Scott, check the monitors.' Professor X ordered.

Cyclops looked at the monitor and called out, pointing at the screen. 'Look. A giant, butt-ugly, misshaped mutant has entered the building wearing a footie shirt.'

Professor X panicked unexpectedly, it must be bad. 'OH NO! It…it… it can't be!'

'Who?' many voices asked.

'Have they brought in some random X-Man to fill Jean's role?'

Professor X shook his head 'No. This is not an X-Man.'

Wolverine looked like he would leap for joy if it was in his character. 'Great. Another bad guy. Let's go kick this actor's butt back to drama school.'

'That won't work.' Professor X admitted.

'It's never failed before.' Wolverine mumbled back.

'Yes, but then you were fighting an actor. That is no actor, that's a footballer.'

Everyone gasped most dramatically.


	2. Chapter 2

The Footballer entered the room via making a hole in the wall, he looked annoyed and angry. 'What do you mean? I am an actor now! Anyway. I'm here, you're new bad guy, Juggernaut!'

Professor X looked confused and horrified. 'That means you're my brother.'

Wolverine looked purely scared. 'That is wrong on so many levels.'

'I'm old enough to be your father!' Professor X protested. 'Not your younger step-brother!'

'Do you think that matters?' the footballer asked. 'Do you think anyone watching this will have read the comics?'

A Fanboy in audience raised his hand. 'I have.'

'Oh, there has to be one doesn't there!' The footballer exclaimed. 'Anyway, it doesn't matter now. I have you trapped, no one is strong enough to beat me, and I am gonna kick your arse!'

'Ass.' Cyclops corrected him.

'What?'

'Your character's American. You're meant to say 'ass'.'

'I'm marketing for a British audience. Satisfied?'

'Fair enough.'

Then in the spirit of all good action movies all the X-Men try to stop the Footballer, but his protective helmet stops Professor X, he knocks Wolverine out with a punch that sends him flying into the wall, Cyclops is just a wimp now so is easily beaten, which leaves him strangling Storm, when an explosion brings down the door. In it stands a tall, handsome Cajan beau.

'Everyone can relax, Gambit has returned.'

'No…argh…you're…you're not meant to be in this film either.' Storm mutters between gasps of air.

'What is dat all about? They left mi out the other's too! All I got was my name on some silly computer. Mes amies? Je suis Gambit! And _No-one_ leaves Gambit out.' Gambit proceeds to kick Footballer' arse back to the footie pitch.'

'Leave mi out of the films, huh?' Gambit queried.

'While I must admit you're timing is impeccable,' Professor X began. 'And you were useful, you're not scripted in the new film.'

'Wha'? Non, non, non, mon ami. Dis here is a 'fanfic,' and I is in dis one.'

Seeing a window for an opportunity, Nightcrawler's voice appears. 'Does this mean I can be back in the film?'

'No.' Storm cries, trying to keep as close to the script as possible, but failing somewhat.

'Dieses ist so unfair! Ich kann nicht ihm glauben. Ich war fantastisch, jeder liebte mich in den Filmen, ich hatte sogar meine eigene komische Reihe. Ist sie, weil Sie ‚Tier' haben?' As Nightcrawler continues, the others look bored, some sit down, Gambit gets his cards out and challenges Cyclops to a game.' Gibt es ein spezielles Gesetz in den X-Menfilmen, das nur eine blaue erlaubte Person sagt? Zwei wirklich. Ich vergaß über Mystique. Sie war meine Mutter! Jene Verfasser schrieben einige sehr unnatürliche Mutter und Sohnszenen! Sowie das Auslassen der Geschichte von Rogue, ist meine Schwester.'

'Is he still going on? Cyclops asked.

'He is just a bit annoyed, mi thinks.'

Nightcrawler, now highly annoyed, injects his anger, 'Shut up, French boy.'

''Scuse mi? I'm not French. I'm a Cajun.'

'You're off French descent, you speak French. You are French enough.'

'I am not!'

'Fine.' Wolverine began, 'You're not French. Now can it, Cajun.'

At that moment Rogue and Bobby/Iceman and other random X-kids entered the room.

'Do you guys mind keeping it down?' Rogie asked, rubbing her eyes. 'Some of us are trying to sleep.'

Iceman looked embarrassed. 'Yeah, sleep.'

Suddenly, Gambit called out in shock. 'Rogue!'

'Oh dear. This is gonna take some explaining.' Rogue muttered

'It's a movie.' Iceman admitted. 'We don't need an explanation.'

'Oh good.'

'I want an explanation!' Gambit demanded.

'Join the club.' Nightcrawler's voice called from nowhere.

'You still here?' Wolverine asked annoyed.

Professor X decided that some level of order was needed, and some answers. 'Gambit? Why are you here?'

'I dunno. Cos the author tink's I'm cool.'

'And for the purpose of the plot?'

'I have just escaped from a giant robot chasing me. The sentinels! They're the new plot!'

Everyone screams and/or panicked, except for one who now has a chance to see some action, Jubilee.

'Oh good. Do I get a decent role this time?'


	3. Chapter 3

FIRST - A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR:

Thanks for all the reviews, I'll try to take on/explain any comments in the next few chapters, well that's the theory.

And now the legal stuff. I own none of the things that I am about to write about, so don't sue please.

We last left our heroes being confronted with the terrible news that the Sentinals are about. The room starts to shake as one approaches. It starts to crumble.

'Quick! Everyone outside.' Professor X called.

'Why?' Iceman asked. 'That thing is out there?'

Wolverine gets his claws out and growls. 'Good.' Then, as Wolverine is accustomed to … 'AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!'

'Well, someone's happy.' Storm comments.

'Unlike someone else I can mention!' A certain voice injects.

'Will you leave already?' The voice of Nighcralwer is silent as the rest run out of the building. They enter the school grounds and see three giant sentinels standing there.

'Unidentified mutant. Destroy.' Sentinal 1 bleeps. It reaches and grabs Jubilee.

'Oh not again!' she recalls, 'HHHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!'

'Quick! Angel, fly up and see if you can get her!' Cyclops orders.

'But he keeps on shooting at me!' Angel protested.

'Get used to it. I'll aim for his legs and try and … Wolverine! Will you stop cutting at that tree and help?'

'But I'm having fun.' Wolverine complains. 'You do the work.' He went back to slashing at the tree 'AAAARRRGGGHHH!'

'Just because you're a bigger star then me doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do.'

'Sure it does.'

Jubilee sits in the sentinels hand, tapping her fingers. 'Hello! I'm still in need of rescuing here!'

'I have a plan.' Rogue calls, 'We can use Bobby.'

'You mean to freeze them to the ground and whilst immobilised Warren can get to Jubilee.' Iceman gets excited.

'No, I mean you have a square head, we can use it as a battering ram to knock it down, then Kitty can phase through and mess up the wiring.'

'It's a good plan.' Colossus nods.

'Best I've heard.' Storm added.

'What?' Cyclops cannot believe what he hears. 'You're listening to a teenager over me? Oh, this is just humiliation gone too far! That's it! I'm gonna sulk!'

'I don't have a square head.' Iceman screams

'With that haircut you do.' Professor X admits. Others nod in agreement.

'At least I have hair.' Iceman rebukes.

'That was uncalled for.' The Professor says, insulted. He knocks him out using the power of his mind. Gambit then runs up to them.

'Lookee here, mes amis. While you guys were busy arguing Nightcrawler and I took two of them out.' Nightcrawler appears, with a samauri sword, just cos he is just too cool.

'Ja. We do have a use and we should not have been removed from the film!'

'Fine.' Professor X admits. 'You can stay for now. But Jubilee is still trapped. I think it's time we had a ridiculously expensive CGI fight scene.'

'I agree.' Storm agreed.

'Sure.' Rogue smiles.

'ARGH! SHIRT OFF TIME!' Wolverine calls, running manically again, ripping his shirt off.

'Don't ask me. I don't matter any more.' Cyclops sulks. They have a ridiculously expensive fight scene in which Bobby (unconscious) is used as a battering ram to bring the last Sentinal down, while Gambit shoots cards at it to keep it distracted, joined by Storm who summons winds to destabilise it more, while Warren flies up and saves Jubilee. More FX shots then most movies combined. The Sentinal is brought down.

'Now, Kitty, phase through it to short circuit it!' The Professor calls from the sidelines, perfectly safe and happy. Kitty phases through the Sentinal, but it remains active. The X-Men gather round it.

'I don't understand.' Asks a confused Kitty. 'It usually works. Every time I use a computer it breaks.'

'That might just be the software you use.' Colossus smirks.

'It did not work,' the Sentinal bleeped, 'because I am not a robot.'

Everyone gasps again. Why? Cos it's a great way to finish.


	4. Chapter 4

'If only Jean was here.' Jubilee sighs. 'She'd be able to find out what this thing is.'

'If only Jean was here.' Wolverine sighs. 'Then I'd be able to get some action.'

'If only Jean was here,' Cyclops sighed, 'then I'd be able to…blub.'

'Oh, you really are pathetic now!' Colossus despaired.

'But Jean is here.' The Sentinal spoke. 'She told us where to come.'

'Jean is helping the Sentinals?' Rogue asked, hurt.

'I have told you, I am not a sentinel!'

'Oh, is this a cheap 'I am not a robot, I am a genetically engineered election candidate' joke? But that is just lame.' Angel laughed to himself, then realised the Sentinal was not laughing

'Well, now you mention it…'

'OH I DON'T BELIVE THIS! We risked our butts to rescue someone from a politician? How scary?' he added sarcastically.

'What, have you not seen the other two films?' Kitty asked. 'It's politicians all the way.'

'So what do we do?' Storm asked. 'We can't kill him.'

'I have thought of a worse punishment.' The Professor smiled.

'You cannot scare me. I am immune to all fear.' The Sentinal smiled.

'Maybe, but you are not immune to heckling at the party conferences.'

'NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Gambit covered his ears. 'Was that scream loud enough? You could wake the dead!'

Bobby then wakes up. 'What the? I do not have a square head!'

Gambit laughs. 'We've moved on, mon ami.'

The Sentinal carried on the conversation. 'If I disclose some secret information then will you let me go?'

'Do I get to growl you while interrogation?' Wolverine asked.

' Sure.' The Sentinal could see no harm.

'Ok.' He growls. 'Tell us the secret information, bub, or you'll taste adamantium!'

'I was sent here to distract you from a government plot…'

'Oh, sounds familiar.' Angel mocks.

All tell him to shut up as the Sentinal continue.

'A top scientist, Hank McCoy, was working on a cure for the mutant gene. But his mutation took hold of him and he fled to finish his research elsewhere in safety. The Government thought he may be hiding here so we decided to blow the place up to make sure.'

'But you had no evidence.' Professor X insists.

'We're the government – since when is evidence necessary? It's all spin.'

'That's a bit risqué.' Storm states.

'I think it's called satire.' Jubilee replies.

'We have to stop Hank McCoy!' Wolverine screams!

'Why?' Rogue asked. 'Some might appreciate a cure.'

'Why?' Wolverine asks.

'Says he without giant wings sticking out of his back!' Angel said annoyed, 'Do you know how many t-shirts I have ripped?'

'That aside, we must stop Hank or we won't have a script!'

'Wolverine has a point.' Storm admits. 'With so many characters we have so little screen time so we need to extend it somehow.'

'At least you have screen time!' Nightcrawler's voice echoes out.


	5. Chapter 5

Wolverine inquisited the sentinel. 'Where's Hank?'

'He's on a secret mutant genetic research base in remotest Scotland.'

'We must use Cerebro to find Hank McCoy before he endangers us all.' The Professor said authoritively.

'But didn't the sentinel guy just tell us where he was.' Jubliee quizzed.

'You're young Jubilee so I will overlook your comment. We must always use Cerebro.'

'I understand.' Said a pleased Rogue. 'Is that so we can find out whether he is lying or not?'

'No.' the Professor corrected. 'It's so the director can use the Special FX. He has a budget for $100 000 000to use am impossibly large round room and he'll be dammed if he doesn't use it.'

Professor X went into the Cerebro chamber and use sit, using up half the budget. Everyone waited outside, playing card games.

'Now what's the point of all dis?' asked an annoyed Gambit. 'Let's just grab the Blackbird and get ourselves to Scotland.'

'No.' Cyclops insisted.

'Fine.'

'Wow. Someone listened to me!'

But Cyclops' surprise didn't last long as Professor X emerged from the chamber.

'Beast is In Scotland. We must assemble in the Blackbird and go at once.'

They all leave, leaving Gambit standing there for a second. 'Told you.' He muttered as the Professor issued instructions. 'Storm, you stay behind with Wolverine to look after the students.'

'WHAT?' the students protested.

'We were promised decent roles in this instalment.'

'And more then one line of dialogue. 'I can help you.' Please? That just sucks.'

'Hey, you got dialogue last time.'

'At least you're in this movie.' A recognisable German voice appeared. A chorus met it. 'SHUT UP!'

'Professor X, we must all come along. I was promised a leading role in this story, taking some of Cyclops' screen time.' Storm debated as Cyclops looks on in despair.

'What? My role just keeps on getting smaller and smaller. Soon it'll be smaller than … than … oh no. With a smaller part the writers aren't giving me any lines!

'Look on the bright side, mon ami.' Gambit offered hopefully. 'I had to gatecrash a fanfic to get into this movie.'

The X-Men got into the Blackbird and start to fly to Bonny Scotland. Storm flies the jet with, oh lets just say Rogue. All sit in silence, except for Jubilee, to the annoyance of most the other passengers.

'Ok, transatlantic flights are long, even in supersonic jets. So I was sitting here pondering…'

'Great. She's started monologing.' Said Wolverine sarcastically.

'As a superhero she must. We have taught her well.' Professor X nodded to himself with pride whilst the students just stared at him, slightly scared.

'…and a thought just hit me.' She was still going on.

'So that's what that strange noise was.' Iceman laughed to himself, but not for long, as Jubilee hits him with fireworks. 'Can it, squarehead.'

'What is it with me and my head?'

'Just carry on with your thought Jubilee.' Storm begged.

'Why are we in the comic section and not the movie section of this website?'

'Because the fans of only the films will not know the new characters.' The Professor concluded his wise words of wisdom.

'Although we did get cameos.' Angel admits.

'I had a cameo.' Colossus raised his hand.

Kitty bettered him. 'I got two,' she raised by both hands, 'being played by different people. It's so confusing waking up one day and finding out you've changed and…'

'And I was in them both, but I don't remember Warren in the films.' Jubilee asked.

'They had an X-ray of one of my wings on the wall in the base before Wolverine and Deathstrike had their fight.'

'So if you were in the base for tests and all, and we didn't rescue you, then how come you're here now?'

'Cos, erm, well, ah…COS IT'S A MOVIE! And in movies implausible things happen.'

'Like the Battle of Stirling Bridge in Braveheart minus a bridge.'

'Exactly.'

'And mine and Wolverine's apparent love interest.' Storm interjects.

'What?!?!' Wolverine wakes from a slumber. 'You're my love interest? Since when?'

'Since the writers gave me a bigger part. Haven't you read the script?'

'Listen lady, in this film all is do is growl and rip my shirt off. There's very little to read.' Jubilee passes him a script. Wolverine reads it.

'Wow…that's interesting,' he turns a few pages, 'I'm looking forward to that scene,' more pages turn, 'a penguin eh? … Oh here we are. Wow, I am your love interest; but it's not for a few pages yet.

Rogue is now confused, as is half the audience. 'But without Wolverine and Jean how can we get a complicated love triangle to show the inner details of relationships and how it plays with our sense of love and duty while scowling a lot.'

To this comment, Gambit smiles. 'Well, ma cherie, you and Gambit can explore this scenario un petit peu.' Rogue scowls at him. 'See! We're off to a great start already.'

A strange noise in the background, conveniently interrupting this most inconvenient of moments.

'We're approaching Scotland.' Strom informs the rest.

'How do you know?' Angel asks.

'Cos the soundtrack has started using bagpipes.'

The sound is indeed bagpipes.

'Dem not Scottish bagpipes.' Gambit says confused. 'Dey be Irish Ulian pipes.'

Everyone looks at him.

'Since when did you become an expert in Celtic reed instruments?' Iceman inquires.

'Since when did you become the beau to my girl? I've kept busy the past few years seeing as I wasn't in any movies. I've picked up a few t'ings. Plus the author told me.'

'Did you know that the bagpipe probably came from the Middle-East and were probably bought to Britain by the Romans and…' Angel was now showing off too.

'Oh not you too!' Rogue despairs.


	6. Chapter 6

WARNING: This fanfic contains Cyclops doing something totally out of character that should never be repeated for the sake of

WARNING: This fanfic contains Cyclops doing something totally out of character that should never be repeated for the sake of humanity! Die hard fans will be shocked/stunned/horrified/all of the above/none of the above/feeling hungry (delete where applicable). YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The Blackbird lands just outside the town near where the base is. Everyone disembarks muttering excitedly, except Rogue.

'Looking back on the last chapter nothing happened! We just sat on a plane and moaned.'

'You haven't flown long haul before, have you?' Gambit asks, smiling.

As they reach good solid Scottish soil, Professor X issues orders. 'Ok. Storm, Wolverine, you come with me to try and find Hank McCoy. Everyone else stay with the plane till we get back.'

More protests. 'WHAT?'

'No fair!' Jubilee.

'Why do we get left behind?' Angel.

'Why do I get left behind? I'm the leader of the team!' Cyclops.

Professor X sighs again, as he has done a lot in this fanfiction. 'Because Strom and Wolverine cost more money, have better agents and need a chance to be alone to develop their love interest.'

'But you're with us.' Storm points out.

'No, I will be conveniently removed from the scenario so that you as heroes can be spurred on to greater action.' Porfessor X reminds her of the previous movies. Storm remembers.

'Oh. That makes no sense at all!'

'Did I say it was meant to? Come on. We need to get off.'

They leave leaving an annoyed Cyclops and the rest behind. 'This is just becoming insulting.' He calls out. 'I can go with them! I'm cool! I mean, come on! My Dad's a space pirate! Hat is the epitome of cool! Space AND Pirates!'

'But he's not a _ninja_ space pirate.' Iceman points out.

'That would be cooler.' Rogue admits.

'No one can be that cool!' Cyclops stands in awe, but Angel disagrees.

'You can't have a ninja space pirate cos ninjas and pirates are deadly enemies!' Colossus is just plain confused by now. 'What are you crazy Americans on about? Ninja/Pirate rivalries? That as to be the most pointless, historically impossible rivalry ever!' Kitty, though, winks at him happily.

'I'll teach you later about it. And maybe I can teach you a few more things about America too.'

'As long as it isn't about American football, cos you know that game really is rugby with body armour.'

Meanwhile, in the local town.

'Professor,' Storm began, 'Don't you think we look a bit out of place? I'm in leather with a cape, and Wolverine has ripped off all his clothes down to his last shirt.'

'Neh, People will just think we're off to the pub.'

'But are you sure we're actually in Scotland? This still looks like Vancouver to me.'

'Of course I'm sure. Look – here comes the first local we see. And as this is a movie he'll be a red haired man in a kilt.'

A red haired man in a kilt walks past conveniently.

'Told you.'

'Fine,' Wolverine admits, 'but we're still no closer to getting to Beast. I doubt Wheels here knows how to find the place.'

'Au contraire.' The Professor smiles as he goes to a board that has a giant map of the town up. He looks at it before smiling. 'Ah ha. There we are. Marked on the map. Muir Island, Secret Mutant Research Centre.'

Meanwhile – back at the Blackbird. Gambit is pacing, until he notices a missing person.

'Where's Cyke?'

Colossus shrugged casually, 'He walked off a while back. I think he's having a sulk.'

'I'd better go find him.'

'I'm coming too!' Rogue jumped up from where she was sitting. 'He may need help.'

They both leave the plane and head to an opening where Cyke can be seen by himself, muttering.

'Is he monologing?' She asks.

'No. I t'ink…no! He can't be!'

'What?'

'I t'ink he's singing an aria.'

'I do not get it.

Is it just me.

Am I becoming paranoid.

Is this how it's meant to be?

'Where has my part gone?

What am I to do?

Can I reclaim my glory?

My credibility too?

'I used to be the best,

I led the team to fame.

But now I am just shunned aside,

And all I get is shame.

'In the comics I ruled,

My yellow pants on show.

But in the movies, I'm nobody.

A minor character you know…

'Oh Jean! Why did you leave?

Why did you say Goodbye?

It is a shame that in the movies,

They had it that you can't fly!'

At the side, Gambit and Rgoue are starting to laugh.

'Bet he changes key now.' Gambit smirks.

'That's not a nice bet to make, on a man's misery.'

'You've not gambled much, have you, chere?' The key changes. 'Told you.'

Cyclops continues singing. 'I do not think that you did die!

I still feel you, you are alive.

You heat still I fell burning inside,

Though that may have been my pie!

'Oh they should not dare to mock!

Cos in the comic books I rock!

What did I do to the director?

I'm now little more than a spectator.'

The music crescendos.

'OH WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME NOW?

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?

I'VE BEEN DEALT THE FINAL BLOW,

FOR THIS SONG JUST TAKES THE MICK!'

This song just takes the miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

His musical number over, he walks off a broken man, laving a stunned Rogue and tittering Gambit behind.

'Now, ma cherie, it's just you and me … alone … in the bushes …'

'Keep your hands off me, Gambit!'

She runs off after Cyclops, calling his name. Gambit stands alone, admitting only a momentary defeat.

'Can't blame a man for trying.'

Rogue runs on, over the fields that cover the green land, through short fresh grass watered by Scotland's near constant rain. Finally, she catches up with him.

'Cyclops! Wait!'

'Go away!' the swift rebuke came. 'You obviously don't need me so I don't need you! I don't want your sympathy!'

'Who said anything about sympathy? I want you to protect me from Gambit.'

'Why? He's better for you then Bobby, and cooler, not literally cos ...you know…Iceman…'

'I know. But Bobby has a better contract deal.'

'I resent dat!' Gambit stands in the background, looking heroic and fine, both stare at him, but their looks soon turn to horror as Mr Sinister blocks their way suddenly and pointlessly.

'Well, Cyclops,' he starts to talk sinisterly. 'If all else fails, after that pretty song and dance number you can get a starring role on Broadway.'

'Mr Sinister!' Cyclops faces him. 'What are you doing here?'

'Being an outrageously over the top stereotypical English villain. Every film needs one.'

However, poor Sinister, did not realise that some local youths who dislike the English had overheard his comment, and his accent.

'He's English! GET HIM!' One cries. As a pack they chase Sinister away ending this most pointless of stories but I just wanted to see Mr Sinister get chased by some anti-English Scots. Gambit laughs again.

'Well, I bet he didn't see dat one coming!'


	7. Chapter 7

'I'm tired of waiting.' Angel moans. 'When I signed this contract I was expecting to do something, not just sit on my arse all day.'

'Ass.' Jubilee corrects him.

'Sorry?'

'It's ass. You just said arse.'

'Yeah, well, I'm picking up the local dialect.'

'You haven't met any locals yet! How can you pick up a dialect without speaking to anyone?'

'How can you have a Battle of Stirling Bridge without a Bridge?'

'You're not going to let that drop are you?'

'Not while the author has a keyboard.'

'Yeah, well, it's still an ass to us.'

Colossus, who was dozing nearby by, wakes up upon hearing a certain word.

'Oh, ass! Where?'

'Watch it!' Kityt play-punches him, 'You're mine and I don't want you looking at any ass other than mine!'

'I thought you were mine?' Bobby asks, scaring Colossus greatly.

'Who? Me?'

'NO! Kitty!'

'I thought Rogue was yours?' Kitty starts pointing at each other, confused.

'I thought Rogue was Gambit's.' Jubilee throws in, just to cause greater confusion.

'I think,' Bobby tries to reason, 'I, erm, my brain hurts.'

'Not surprised' laughs Colossus. ' Squeezed into a square shape – brains aren't meant to have corners.'

'MY HEAD IS NOT SQUARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Angel sighs at the conversation and gets up. 'Square or no, I'm going to see where Cyclops is, and Rogue, and Gambit for that matter too.'

'Rogue's alone with Gambit!?!' realisation hits Iceman.

'No, Cyclops is with her too.' Angel confirms, but as Cyclops' role is so little …

'Rogue's alone with Gambit! We must find her!'

'Come,' says Colossus most heroically, 'let us enter the very dark and non-existent forest.' Which they proceed to do.

While all this excitement is happening, at the signposted Top Secret Mutant Research base stands a big blue, disappointedly not very furry Beast in a lab coat with some test tubes. The door opens and in enters Moira MacTaggart.)

'Henry!' she calls in a broad Scottish accent. 'Hou are ye?' (SUBTITLES: How are you?)

Beast smiles a reply. 'I'm fine, thank you. Yourself?'

'Nae bad. Hou is the project comin alenth?' (SUBTITLES: Not bad. How is the project coming along?)

'Just the last touches and then I can finish my goal. I can destroy that little kid whose name I cannot mention for legal reasons.'

'Whit?' (SUBTITLES: What?)

'Sorry?'

'Whit as in whit? Wha is tha wee bairn? A thocht that ye war diskiverin ah spleet-new cuir for the mutant gene. Isnae that whit ye are daein?' (SUBTITLES: What as in what? Who is that little kid? I thought that you were discovering a brand new cure for the mutant gene. Is that not what you are doing?)

Beast shifts nervously. 'Oh, erm, yes, of course. Sorry, just thinking about something else then.'

'Ye are ah antrin ane at tids.' (You are a strange one at times.)

Moira shakes her head jokingly and leaves the room, laveing Beast alone,w ith his thoughts and plans.

'That was close.' He mutters. 'If she finds out that I found a cure ages ago, I'd loose my funding, and then I can never get revenge on that little kid.' And, cue manic laughter.

Meanwhile – back in the town, Strom, Wolverine and Professor X are heading to the research centre. Wolverine suddenly stops and signals the others to do so. He sniffs the air.

'What is it?' Storm whispered.

'We're nearly there and Professor X hasn't been implausibly kidnapped yet.'

'What do you mean?' the Professor asked.

'In every film Professor X is somehow put out of the picture for a short while to concentrate screen time on the more youthful, poster appealing cast members.'

'Am I allowed to be highly insulted at that remark?' Professor X asked.

'Feel free.'

'WELL, CAN I SAY THAT I AM …'

They are suddenly ambushed by masked unknown assailants. A thrilling fight scene that lasts slightly longer then necessary takes place. Professor X is implausibly but conveniently kidnapped to concentrate screen time on the more youthful, poster appealing cast members. Wolverine drags Storm to safety in a very dark and non-existent forest.

'We were unable to save Professor X!' Storm despairs. 'We're doomed. Those evil masked assailants have him, and will probably grab the mutant cure to cause havoc!' But

Wolverine is unsympathetic, 'There there.' Strom cries onto his shoulder for a while. 'Look, can I stop this comforting and kiss you now?' Sotrm looks at him insulted, then shrugs her shoulders.

'Yeah, sure.'

They kiss, and a long love scene follows involving lots of kissing. The audience turn away in horror.


	8. Chapter 8

WARNING

New note! I do not own Lord of the Rings, Tolstoy or The Mummy franchise.

Back in the very dark and non-existent forest. Gambit, Cyclops and Rogue are wondering round, non impressed.

'Well, Cyke,' muttered a disgruntled Gambit, 'you're little 'tour' has got us all lost.'

'What do you mean by 'my'?' Cyclops protested. 'You were giving directions.'

'Dere was nothing wrong wit' my directions.'

''Turn left at de tree.'' Cyclops imitated a Cajun accent with a surprising level of decency. 'Newsflash! This is a forest! It is nothing but trees.' As the argument rose, so did the voices, until Rogue, fearful for their safety was forced to interrupt.

'Would you mind keeping it down! Those guys who chased off Sinister might come back.'

'It's ok, cherie,' Gambit reassured her, 'we're not English.'

'Well, still keep it down. I don't trust this forest.'

'Why?'

'Well the name 'very dark and non-existent' doesn't exactly fill me with hope.'

'Rogue's right.' Cyclops agreed. 'We best be on our guard so we don't get sur…'

But before Cyclops could finish his sentence they are surrounded. Cyclops sighs, again.

'Oh this just gets better and better!' he moaned.

Meanwhile, back at the Research Base. Moira enters Beast's lab.

'Beast.' Moira called his attention, 'A hae ah letter frae the government. Thay want wat whan the cuir will be feenished.' (Beast. I have a letter from the government. They want to know when the cure will be finished.)

'Tell them that it is ready when they are.' Beast replied, not looking up form his very technical looking scientific work that was both highly technical and scientific.

'Grand. An aw, thay want wat gif ye are aye boun tae ta pairt in the fancy-primp competeetion on Fuirsday.' (Great. Also they want to know if you are still willing to take part in the fancy dress competition on Thursday.)

'No. I am not going to partake!!' Beast protested.

'Ach! Ye leuk sae guid. Aw blue an aw.' (Ah! You look so good. All blue and all.)

'I will take that as a complement.'

'Ah am sairy. Ah wa juist haein ah gaggle. We hae wee occasion for that nou.' (I'm sorry. I was just having a laugh. We have little occasion for that now.) The banter was pleasant after so much worry and fear, and Beast enjoyed the moment, but regretted it's shortness.

'Alas, I fear you speak the truth. But this cure will bring us help, as Théoden brought the Rohirrim to the aid of Gondor.'

Moira looked confused at him. 'Fit? That is nae the kind o simile ye uise. Ye for ordinar say something philosophical frae a body that haes been deid for at laist ane hunder years, or frae ah auld beuk that awbody haes haurd of but ne'er read, but see'd te pictur ance in Soothron leeteratur sae think thay hae.' (What? That's not the kind of simile you use. You normally say something philosophical from someone who has been dead for at least one hundred years, or from an old book that everyone has heard of but never read, but saw the film once in English Literature so think they have.)

'I know, but they have to remarket the film to the new generation, and more people know Tolkein then Tolstoy.' He laughs at his own little use of assonance, ah, the joys of language.

'True but dinnae cark. Naething can gae wrang nou.' (True. But don't worry. Nothing can go wrong now.)

But, as always in movies, after these inevitable words leave her lips the walls shake, anything metal moves to one wall, which is ripped apart to reveal Magneto! Beast stares in horror …

'No!'

'It cannae be!' (It can't be!)

Magneto glides in, smoothly stepping on the floor from his convenient gliding position that looks so cool.

'My dear Moira.' He intones in his Shakespearean voice, 'You never learnt about irony did you? I have come for the cure so I can be evil and menacing with it.'

Beast heroically steps in-between Magento and Moira, and raises himself to his full, imposing, blue and furry height. 'You do not strike me as menacing as Macbeth would upon the murder of Duncan.'

'And why not?' Magento inquired, raising one sinister eyebrow.

'Because you're wearing a Pantomime Dame's dress.'

As indeed he is, a full, brightly coloured flaring out, sequined and sparkling, complete with a large bonnet.

'I know.' Magneto happily admitted. 'I had to dash here from the theatre where I'm appearing as the Dame. But I assure you, I can still be menacing. Now, the cure please.'

'Ne'er!' Moira screamed.

Beast threw Moira the cure in its syringe, calling to her. 'Quick, Moira. Run! I'll keep him off.'

Moira grabbed it and ran for the door, but is blocked by falling rubble, some of which falls on her leg, as it always does in films. Magneto and Beast fight in a whirl of CGI. Magneto wins when he hits Beast over the head with a novelty rolling pin from the custard pie scene in all pantos. He goes over to Moira and takes the syringe from her.

'Thank you, my 'bonny lass.' He mocks her.

'Hey! Gif ye are gaun to speak Lawlands at laist dae it richt! Nae stereotypes!' (Hey! If you're going to speak Lallans (Scots) at least do it properly! No stereotypes!)

While Moira rants Magneto leaves with his band of evil mutants, most of whom are sporting 'evil goatees.'

'Now – let's go and destroy a bridge.' Magento exclaimed in total glee.

'Why?' asked Evil Goatee wearer No1.

'Why? Because we can. It'll be fun, and expensive, and will annoy people senseless.'

And with that they all walk away, laughing evilly as villains do.

Back in the very dark and non-existent forest, Gambit, Cyclops and Rogue were surrounded most dramatically.

'Oh no, we're surrounded!' Gambit states the obvious.

'Is this a last stand?' Rogue asks fearfully, looking round her, but is soon saved by a mystery voice.

'Not yet.'

The voice, though, is not Nightcrawler, but is …

'COLOSSUS!' Rogue screams as the rest of the team emerge from the trees.

'Man, you guys were SO loud; we could track you miles of!' Jubilee states in her cool mall voice.

'What are you all doing here?' Cyclops tries to insert some authority, 'I told you to stay with the Blackbird!'

'Oh, it's not like anyone is going to steal it!' Angel dismisses, waving his hand carelessly, as we see the Blackbird being stolen by some drunken people. Oblivious to this, Angel continues. 'The plane is safe! But everyone has been gone so long we thought we'd best check it out.'

'We need to get out of this forest, find the Professor and Storm and Wolverine, get the cure and leave!' Kitty reels of the plot that annoys half the audience.

'That's what we're trying to do.' Iceman reminds her annoyed.

'I love it when you're angry!' she swoons back, to Rogue's annoyance.

'Hey!'

'No, Rogue, it's ok. This film contains 'sexual tension between Bobby and Kitty,' and that was it. I wanted to get it out of the way and done with so we could GET OUT OF HERE!'

They all start to move off, the people who had surrounded them conveniently disappearing.

'Wait a sec!' Cyclops calls. 'I need to tie my shoelaces!' He ties them and looks up to find himself all alone. 'Oh no! They've all left me! This film really sucks for me!'

He wanders off trying to find them but goes in the opposite direction, followed by Jubilee who hung back to try and find him. As he wanders he reaches the lake by Stryker's old military base. To say this confuses him is an understatement.

'How did I end up here? Must be jolt in the space/time continuum. Explains most unexplainable things in movies. Hey, this is where Jean died … sob Jean … Jean … JEAN!!'

'Looking for someone?' A mysterious voice asks. He turns round and sees a tall, beautiful red-head standing behind him. Jean.

'You're alive!' he can barely control his delight.

'I am no longer Jean.'

'But your name in the story says you're Jean.'

'I am no longer Jean … I AM PHOENIX!'

'What? Why?'

'Because I wanted a decent superhero name.'

'Fair enough. I'm so glad you're alive.' He moves to hug her but she steps back. 'Jean? Phoenix?'

'I am no longer Jean. I have moved on, moved beyond, moved forward. I have evolved…'

She looks at Cyclops with coldness in her eyes, pain spears through his body, reducing him to dust. Jubilee, looking out from behind a tree, gasps and runs back into the forest, leaving Jean looking cinematographically stunning staring out over the lake. She runs back to the others, who are about to experience a nasty surprise themselves, but not yet, for they are still lost in the woods.

'Stay close,' Gambit urges them, 'we need to be on our guard.'

'I told you,' Rogue reminded him angrily, 'we're not English; those guys who chased Mr Sinister won't be after us.'

'Not for them! Dis is the Mutant Cure storyline. And that means only one thing.'

'What?' Iceman asks.

'Apocalypse.'

'What? Or, who?' Colossus asks.

'The whole Mutant Cure and Muir Island is his storyline, his mastermind.' Gambit explained for him and others who had not seen the TV show as a child.

'He's not in this version.' Rogue states all-knowingly.

'What? How?'

'He's kind of occupied.'

In Egypt Apocalypse is cornered in an Ancient tomb by Rick O'Connell in another 'The Mummy' sequel.'

'Oh crap.' Is all he manages to say. Understanding dawns on Gambit.

'Oh.'

Kitty morphs through a tree back to the others having gone on ahead, 'Hey, I've found a couple kissing here!'

The crew, all mature adults, do what all mature adults do, sneak up to watch. But, upon seeing the couple they are horrified to see…

'WOLVERINE!' shouts Rogue.

'STORM!' shouts Iceman.

'WRONG!' concludes Kitty.

Colossus runs away in circles and mumbles to himself repeatedly. 'My mind has now been corrupted beyond repair.'

Gambit, though, makes a mental note to himself, 'I must remember that kissing method.'

Storm and Wolverine quickly separate, brushing themselves off and making excuses.'

'It's not what you think.' Wolverine excuses.

'We know this joke.' Rogue says, slightly insulted, 'You say 'It's not what you think,' and one of us say 'You were kissing,' and then you say, 'Ok, it is what you think.' That is an old joke.'

'We weren't kissing.' Wolverine insists.

'Oh?'

'We we're snogging!' Storm says.

All have an 'ew' over-dose.

'There's a difference?' Rogue asks quizzically, and curiously.

'Oui, cherie,' Gambit slides up to her, 'it's very subtle. Maybe I can show you in detail…' Rogue glares at him and moves to Iceman, who smirks at Gambit. Suddenly Jubilee runs in, out of breath.

'Ok, I have some good news and some bad news.'

'You've found the Professor?' Storm looks up hopefully, and slightly relieved that there as been a distraction.

'The Professor's missing?'

'Again?' ask Iceman.

'You two lost the Professor?' Gambit looks on in disbelief.

'Shut up, bub!' Wolverine growls, 'Let Jubilee speak!'

'No, I haven't found the Professor, but I have found someone else. Jean's back!'

'Really?'

Wolverine sees hope for a special scene again. 'Is she ok? Where is she?'

'Is it her?' Rogue is unsure.

'Yes, it's her.' Jubilee confirms. 'But she killed Cyke.'

'And the bad news?' Wolverine asks.

'Didn't you hear? She's killed Cyclops!' Jubilee almost screams.

''Bout time someone did.' Iceman affirms.

I would have done it myself.' Kitty acknowledged, almost guiltily. 'He'd gotten so … oh, what's the word?'

'Wimpy?' Rogue suggested.

'No…'

'Annoying?' Colossus offered.

'No… pointless.'

'Hey!' Wolverine gets up, claws out, just for fun. 'I've been planning it for years, even while he was strong and decent, and before he was ever pointless. Looks like I'll have to cancel the flying monkeys now.'


	9. Chapter 9

The X-Men walk through the mess that was the Muir Island Secret Genetic Research Centre. Magneto's left a mess of everywhere, Beast is unconscious, Moira, too, is unconscious and trapped under some fallen debris.

'It's a mess.' Colossus states the obvious, often the best thing to do in situations like this.

'I knew scientists aren't always the tidiest of people, but this?'

'Who could have done this?' Storm asked no-one in particular

'Magneto.' Wolverine states bluntly.

'You sure?' Because Storm isn't.

'Isn't it always?'

'He has a point.' Rogue admits. 'Apocalypse is cornered in Egypt and Sinister is currently being chased somewhere south of Aberdeen. Who does that leave?

'Greydon Creed.' Kitty's head poked out from the wall.

'Omega Red.' Jubilee offered more options, annoying Rogue further..

'Yeah, all right! Point made.'

'Selene.' Kitty was still making her point.

'I said 'point made' already!'

From the rubble, Wolverine spots Moira trapped. He calls for assistance.

'Quick! Help me help her help … it …erm, COME HERE!'

Angel and Iceman try to help Wolverine lift the debris off Moira, but it doesn't work. Kitty then holds her hand and phases her through the debris. Moira conveniently comes round.

'Fit … Fit happent? Whaur am A? Wha are yese?' (SUBTITLES: What … what happened? Where am I? Who are you?)

'What?' Wolverine has no clue.

'What's she saying?' Kitty is likewise confused.

'It's some strange language.' Jubilee joins the general sense of confusion, adding to Moira's anger..

'Streenge? Whit are ye cawing streenge? A am speaking Lawlands. A canna help it gif ye daennae uptake ane o Scotland's langages (SUBTITLES: Strange? What are you calling strange? I'm speaking Lallans. I can't help it if you don't understand one of Scotland's languages!)

While all are trying to understand Lallans, Beast is able to crawl out from the rubble, again coming round conveniently.

'Hank!' Storm screams as she runs over to help him, the rest join.

'What happened here?'

'Magneto, dressed as a dame, came and attacked. My work! It's ruined! Years of planning down the drain!'

Gambit comes over and lends a helping hand to pull him up. 'I'm sorry, ami, but you expect Gambit and co to believe dat Magneto was dressed as a dame?'

'Sorry, Gambit, but he's right. It's all here on the CCTV.' Rogue pointed at a CCTV screen. Gambits thumps the air with his fist in annoyance as all crowd round the screen, a few titter.

'That is an impressive dress!' Kitty has to admit.

'He haes stealt the cuir.' (SUBTITLES: He has stolen the cure.)

'What?' Colossus still cannot grasp the broadest of Scottish accents.

'Lady's talking again!' He's not the only one.

By now, Moira is very annoyed. 'A hae ah name.' (SUBTITLES: I have a name.)

Beast looked at Moira apologetically. 'Sorry, Moira.' He quickly turns to Wolverine to offer a translation. ' She says that Magneto has the cure.'

'We must stop him!' screams Jubilee loudly, and somewhat annoyingly.

'Jubilee's right.' Storm agreed, 'We must get the cure and destroy it. Who knows what evil he could do.' There is complete silence. Storm looks at B east desperately, 'That was your cue to say something intelligent to show the dangers of the cure.'

Beast looks up apologetically and starts mumbling and fumbling and other words ending in 'umbling'. 'Oh, sorry. Erm … YES! With the cure Magneto could … let me think … he could discover its make-up and create a virus that MADE everyone mutants, naturally unstable and lethal and so kill everyone. How's that?' he looks at Storm for approval, which she promptly gives with a short nod.

'That'll do.'

However, amongst this satisfaction, Colossus raises his hand for attention, looking plain confused and unsure.

'Why would anyone want to cure mutants?'

Rogue shoots him a sharp look, 'I can think of a few reasons. Life can return to normal. I would be able to touch people again.' She looked lovingly at Bobby, who blushes and giggles like a little girl. Kitty fumes.

'If it's any consolation,' she snaps, 'I've touched that, and you're not missing much!'

Bobby stops blushing and glares bitterly at Kitty. 'If you're gonna insult me, could you please have the courtesy of not doing it in my presence?'

Gambit, meanwhile, has been pondering on the revelation of a cure. He strikes a thoughtful pose whilst doing so, rubbing his chin and going 'hmmm' at random intervals. Finally, he concludes. 'Am I the only one who sees the possible benefits of a cure to mutation?'

'What do you mean?' Wolverine snarls. 'You love your power. Why do you want to be cured?'

'True.' Gambit replies, 'But t'ink. Dis could cure, on a small scale, things like colour blindness, but also cystic fibrosis, sickle cell aneomia, haemophilia! This could end human genetic diseases.'

They all look at him in disbelief. This kind of rational humanitarian thinking has no place in a summer blockbuster action movie.

'But then we'd have no story.' Jubilee hits the nail on the head.

'True!' Wolverine agrees loudly. 'We must destroy the cure!'

Gambit shakes his head. 'At times I don't know why I bother.'

Moira joins him. 'Hing tae the club.' (SUBTITLES: Join the club.)

'I'm sorry, but I really have no idea what she's saying!' Iceman injects, bringing up the old conversation again. Angel joins him.

'What is she speaking?'

Beast sighs as he explains, again, 'She's talking in Lallans, or Scots. It's a dialect of English, with Gaelic and Scandinavian elements. Not an officially recognised language yet, but they're working on it and …' but this fascinating explanation, that the author had to do some research for, soon bores our young heroes.

'As interesting as that is,' Angel interrupts, 'it doesn't help me understand her!'

Beast points to the bottom of the screen. 'Read the subtitles like everyone else.'

'What?'

'Read the subtitles! An less o yer chaft! It wis yer faither that bode us an fonded us tae shape the cuir tae cuir ye. (SUBTITLES: Read the subtitles! And less of your cheek! It was your father who asked us and funded us to create the cure to cure you.)' Moira piints first to the bottom of the screen, then to Angel, who is still looking fascinated at the subtitles that have appeared.

'Wow, those subtitles really help … hang on! My Dad!' he turns bright red. 'This is so embarrassing.'

'Magneto minted something aboot malafoustering ah brig.(SUBTITLES: Magneto mentioned something about destroying a bridge.)' Moira looks to the rest, hoping to get them to take action on the upcoming peril.

'Where's the nearest bridge?' Storm demands.

'The Tay Brig athort the Tay at Dundee.' (SUBTITLES: The Tay Bridge across the Tay at Dundee.)

Wolverine gets his claws out and rips off another layer of clothing. 'Then let's go!'


	10. Chapter 10

DISCLAIMER: Again I have to state just how little I own by putting this disclaimer saying that, in addition to all the stuff in previous chapters that I said I don't own, I also do not own the Tay Bridge, or Dundee, any Pantomime characters or Macbeth.

Theodor Fontane and Johann Wolfgang von Goethe have not given permission for extracts of ,Die Brück' am Tay' and ,Wandrers Nachlied' to be used, but as they are both dead I did not think they would mind, plus it's used out of respect.

Ok – I think that covers it. I do not own anything that I have forgotten to mention either … SO PLEASE DON'T SUE!

The Tay Bridge stands majestically in the background as the evil mutants arrive, crossing the Tay magnificently. Magneto and Co are crossing it to Dundee as the X-Men close in behind them. There is a big, uneasy confrontation on the bridge, the X-Men (all suddenly and unexplainably in matching leather uniforms) and the EVIL BAD GUYS who are numerous and evil looking, as always. Storm flies up to confront Magneto, blocking his way.

'This ends here, Magneto, or … Panto Dame.'

'Gie us the cuir.' (SUBTITLES: Give us the cure!) Moira calls from behind the X-Men.

'Never!' Magneto bellows dramatically, 'I need this cure for the whole plot to succeed and to be unnecessarily evil. Now, if you don't mind, I have a bridge to destroy.'

'Why?' (Why?)

'The director found some more money and wants to have another massive CGI shot. So this is it.'

'We'll stop you, Magneto!'

Wolverine rips off the first layer of his specially designed multi-layered leather costume and growls in affirmation. Everyone stares at him, some scared, some confused, some both.

'What?' he asks, 'Can't I say Grrr?'

Magneto laughs evilly. 'Look at yourselves! You're divided, confused, wearing leather and without Xavier … again!'

Gambit has to agree. 'He's right! Where's the Professor?' The professor is, actually, in a pub debating with the regulars.

'I tell you! Mutants are not all bad!' he states angrily.

'I'm not saying they are!' the regular in the pub agrees, 'I'm just saying why can't one have the power to make more beer?'

The story goes back to the bridge.

'Oh. Hey, these scene cut t'ings are pretty nifty.' Gambit smiles at the wonder of technology. But, this lapse in concentration as the X-Men were looking at the scene change allowed Magneto and his motley crew of evil mutants start mass destruction on the Tay Bridge.

'They're destroying the bridge!' Angel calls, flying in.

The X-Men start to fight back. A spectacular fight ensures as the bridge falls apart around them – time for you, dear readers, to use your imagination and picture the most amazing fight scene. Come on! It'll be fun!

'Ah, the irony of the destruction,' Beast begins, while fighting, 'like the 28th December 1879 Tay Bridge disaster when the Bridge fell into the Tay, killing 75 souls. Immortalised by the poetry of William Topaz McGonagall, and Theodor Fontane…'

'Beast!' Rogue gets his attention, 'This is not the time to be showing everyone how smart you are!'

'But I bring some intellectual class to the film. Now … how does that poem begin? ‚Wann treffen wir drei wieder zusamm'? Um die siebente Stund', am Brückendamm…''

As he recites Magneto hurls a large block of steel at him, Wolverine pushes him out of the way just in time.

'What you doing, bub?' he asks, 'This is not the time for poetry.'

They both look up to see Magneto flying towards them.

'I HATE Theodor Fontane, if that was Fontane for it seems like 'Macbeth.''

Beast growls at this insult to the good work of Fontane. 'Fontane was doing a parody of The Weird Sisters!'

Magneto uses the iron in Beast's blood to draw him close to him, while keeping Wolverine back, their faces almost touching as he talks.

'If you're going to recite any German literature, make it Goethe. ,Über allen Gipfeln ist Ruh, In allem Wipfeln…''

But as Magneto recites his Goethe he is knocked out from behind, which releases both Beast and Wolverine. They look up to see Nightcrawler with a massive cricket bat.

'Nothing beats Thomas Mann, and nothing 'beats' like me with a cricket bat.' He laughs at his won mastery of rhetorical repetition.

'Much appreciated, despite the horrendous pun.' Beast acknowledges the aid if not the literary technique used.

'But you shouldn't be here! You're still not in this movie!' Wolverine insists.

'Looks like you guys need my help.' Nightcrawler smiled. 'You're getting trashed by Magneto and his evil Brotherhood. You're being defeated by a guy dressed as a Panto dame, who is without his best henchman, Juggernaut.'

The story cuts again to show Juggernaut and Sentinel sitting in the ruins of the mansion playing cards.

'So let's get back to the fight!' Nightcrawler tries to keep things on track as everyone stops to watch the scene cut again. They all go back to the fight – amazing fight scene continues in which we see all the mutants' powers. For a while the camera follows Angel flying round being cool and fighting lots of bad guys. He then turns to face his next combatant…

'Psylocke!?!?!? What are you doing here?' he cannot believe it.

'I'm here to destroy you. In this film I'm evil.'

'But why?'

'Because my character is British, and you can't have a good British person in a Hollywood film. It's just not possible.'

'Ok, now I'm confused – so you're a non-British Psylocke?'

'Do you think I'd be British in this story after what happened to Sinister?'

Pyro suddenly comes into view, for yes, he's here too, and setting fire to a lot of things. 'What happened to Sinister?'

Another scene cut to show Sinister just outside Inverness still being chased by the same guys from Chapter 6.

'Ah.

Moira has joined in the fighting and turned out to be the most fearsome fighter of the good guys and is battering evil mutants left, right and centre with a haggis … come on! It's set in Scotland, we had to get a haggis in somewhere!) 'A am Breetish an A am guid.' (SUBTITLES: I'm British and I'm good.) she affirms.

'But you're Scottish – and that's allowed.' Psylocke lays the rules down.

'Professor X's being played by a Brit'

'Yeah, but he's playing an American.'

'I'm English.' Magneto calls.

'But you're evil. And besides, you're playing a Pole, so technically; actually this is just getting confusing. Can we stop this discussion and get back to fighting please?' They all shrug their shoulders and agree. They continue to destroy the Bridge. More spectacular fighting follows as the bridge falls down. But then a phone rings. The whole fighting stops and everyone looks round. Suddenly Magneto realises it's his mobile.

'One minute guys.' He gestures with his hands as he answers the phone. 'Hello? Ah, darling! How are you? … uh huh … uh huh … and the play? …. Fabulous darling. I'm so pleased for you … sorry, darling? … but my contract was … sorry? … but darling … I didn't see that date … I'm quite busy now … hang on, what did the audience say? … they love me? Oh darling that's amazing … of course I can resume the role … I'm still in costume … no, it's not messed up … I'll be down as quickly as possible … alright … ta ta darling.' He hangs up and talks the everyone who is staring at him in bewilderment. 'The panto?' Psylocke asks.

'Yes, the Panto. I've been encored and so must return to London with great haste. Good bye all.' Magneto leaves quickly, and disappointingly to all.

This is just wrong to all, especially Wolverine. 'What!?!?!'

'Our main bad guy is gone?' Iceman states confused.

'Who are we gonna fight now?' Angel asks.

'Weel, we coud aye git yer Paw in tae fecht. A mean, he peyed for the resairch tae cuir ye.' (SUBTITLES: Well, we could always get your Dad in to fight. I mean, he paid for the research to cure you.) Moira offers.

'Thanks for reminding me!' Angel turns red embarrassed.

'I'm not fighting a non-mutant. It's not fair.' Jubilee lays down her morals.

'True.' Storm agrees, 'It's not nearly half as interesting as fighting a mutant with powers.' But, while this debate is going on, the X-Men fail to realise that there are still a large number of very angry evil mutants on the Bridge bent on their destruction. They are only being held off from the group by Gambit and Nightcrawler who are fighting them all in a whirl of cards, blue smoke and CGI. They are soon rejoined by Moira and her haggis – she is having too much fun! And while the Battle continues, Storm, Iceman, Rogue, Angel, Kitty, Colossus and Jubilee hold a conference just about. Wolverine lights a cigar while they all talk. In the background we see that Pyro has set fire to the whole bridge. Suddeny, a thought hits Kitty,

'Hang on! Where is the cure?'

They all look around, and seem unable to see the massive battle going on and look for the little syringe of blue goo that is the cure (why is everything blue?) But they see it nowhere, unitl…

'The cure!' Jubilee points.

'Where?' asks Storm for a perfect cliffhanger.

'There!' Jubilee points. 'Inevitable wobbling on the edge of the most unstable section of the bridge as far away form us as possible.'

Wolverine sighs, 'Curse these predictable plot schemes!'


	11. Chapter 11

Wolverine moves to get the Cure, but Strom stops him with her arm. They look into each others eyes and smile – this is meant to be one of those 'love' theme things. Sorry folks. Anyway, long story short Storm goes to get the Cure, flying past falling debris, fireballs (as Pyro is throwing them at her) and bird nests (come on! There's bound to be a few on that bridge!). It is nearly in her grasp, when a fireball hits nearby and knocks it off into the Tay. Pyro laughs evilly.

'Ha ha! Now no one can cure us mutants. And we can take over!'

Moira alone sees this. 'Whit! Na! Ma life's wirk! That wis tae cuir ma laddie, allou him tae hae a kindly life. An it wis tae help wee Timmy at the infirmary tae git better; an aw the bairns dule frae genetic carfuffles an ither uggin degenerative diseases.' (SUBTITLES: What! No! My life's work! That was to cure my son, allow him to have a normal life. And it was to help little Timmy at the hospital to get better; and all the children suffering from genetic disorders and other horrible degenerative diseases!)

'Ah no! I really messed up this time.' Pyro admits sadly.

Evil mutant number 15 moves aside and agrees in a sad voice. 'We got so tied up in our own agendas we did not see the good that this could do.'

'I think it's best if no one has the Cure.' States Colossus. 'Then it can not fall into the wrong hands, and no one can be tempted to do evil with it. Loosing it was probably for the best.'

'Am A the ae that cares for the bairns? (SUBTITLES: Am I the only one who cares about the children?)'

'Sorry, Moira,' Beast touches her shoulder, 'but Colossus has a point. I think we should untie again in the spirit of friendship against a common evil.'

'Thieves?'

'No!'

'Squirrls!'

'No!'

'Cutting the best characters from the sequels?' Gambit.

'No!!!'

'Reciting Goethe where Fontane is more appropriate?'

'NO! We must unite against…'

'Interruptions!' Jubliee laughs.

'NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'Sorry, couldn't resist.'

'We must unite against ignorance and jumping to conclusions. If we stand together we can…'

''Scuse me, ami, but I t'ink…' Gambit interrupts.

'Not now Gambit. I'm monologing. If we stand together we can face any opposition, but separated and scared the evil politicians can present us anything they want us to, dangerous, vicious…'

'I t'ink you'll want to hear this…'

'First, you interrupt my rhetorical questions! Then you interrupt my monologing, then you interrupt my tripartite list! It had better be good.'

As he says this a block of steel falls onto Moira's leg, trapping her again.

'Och na. Nae again.' (SUBTITLES: Oh no. Not again.)

'I was going to tell you the bridge is falling down and we're all going to die unless we do something quickly.' Gambit finishs as everyone watches the collapsing bridge. Beast lifts the steel off Moira and picks her up while Storm starts issuing orders.

'Everyone! Off the bridge now!'

Psylocke, who is now good, along with the rest of the evil mutants, for the moment anyway, shows how she has joined the good guys by stating the obvious. 'It's blocked on one side, and the base is collapsing on the other at one of the pillars. We're trapped.'

'We must stop it falling!' Rogue screams

'What do we do?' Nighcrawler asks.

Beast, carrying Moira, comes up. Along with an encyclopaedic knowledge of literature, genetics, and life in general, he also know civil engineering. 'We need to support the base of the bridge pillar. Prop it up somehow.'

'But we have nothing to prop it up with!' Wolverine growls.

'We need something square and robust.'

Gambit has a sudden idea and grabs Iceman's head. 'Will this do?'

'Perfect!' Beast smiles.

'Hey!' Iceman disagrees.

Angel picks Iceman up and uses Iceman's amazingly square head to prop up the Tay Bridge and give them enough time to escape as Iceman mutters to himself, cos no one else is listening.

'This is so humiliating.'

(They all run over the bridge to safety, and they all rejoice. Rogue runs to Gmabit and throws her arms round him.

'My hero!' she exclaims as she hugs him and kisses him, with the her hand over his mouth thing– comic book love is reunited, and following this spirit… Kitty and Colossus hug, soon followed by Angel and Psylocke hug. Storm and Wolverine move towards each other.

'It won't work between us, will it?' Storm asks.

'Not if the fans have a say it won't.' Wolverine agrees.

They do a 'friendship' hug, which contrasts greatly to Rogue and Gambit who seem to be impersonating Wolverine at ripping layers of clothes off.

'Rogue? Gambit? You do know you're in public.' Storm reminds them, they look up and smile.

'Let dem look and be jealous!'

We now have a montage of images of the X-Men dragging Professor X from the pub, to them stealing the Blackbird back ('Told you someone would steal it!' Kitty squeals at Angel, who tells her to shut up.) We see their arrival back in America, where Juggernaut and Sentinel have moved on from cards to Snap, leaving some big craters in the earth. We then see a funeral put on for Scott, the X-Mansion being renovated (with more mutant cameos), Moira resumes work in Muir Island, Beast resumes work on his method to destroy stuff, as well as advising the American Government on mutant relations based in his monologue. This is all interspersed with images of happy mutants, and happy non-mutants, as well as a troubled Jean Grey walking round. As we see these images a voiceover begins., by Angel (assisted by Professor X).

'Do I really have to say this?'

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'Because it was in the last two films, so it's like a tradition now.'

'Like Wolverine getting his shirt off?'

'Yes.'

'Then why do I have to say it?'

'Because it was your Dad who paid for the Cure, and it was the cure that caused all the trouble, and the studio want you to be one of the 'main characters,' so that means you do the voiceover!'

'Fine.' He clears his throat. 'Mutation. It is the key to our evolution. It has' … do I really have to say this?'

'Yes!'

'It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet.' Won't that annoy the Creationists who don't believe in Darwin's theory of evolution?'

'Most likely. Now carry on. The audience's arses are beginning to get sore and half of them need the toilet.

'This process is slow and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward.' There. Done! Can I go now?'

'Yes.'

The montage finishes. But not before we see two children playing by the banks of the 'Hey, Malcolm! Come and see what I have found.'

'What is it, Elspeth?'

Elspeth lifts a syringe of blue goo from the silt, leaving the film open for another sequel. As they walk into the distance we hear a voice from the last pillar of the Tay Bridge, Iceman is till there as the last scene darkens

'Hello! Can someone help me please?'

**THE END**

(hope you liked it.)


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